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If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

College and Rules

Posted by Kohl | July 10th, 2016

I’m tirelessly waiting to start college in the fall, even though I’m terrified about what might happen when I go. I’m already mentally preparing for the stress of classes and being away from home for so long, but there’s a no weapon policy for the campus.

How will I survive for a whole semester without my tool?

I’ve been reliant on my self harm for most of my life- since I was 8 or 9 years old. I’ve been on-again off-again relapsing since the end of elementary school. How can I start college without my tool being there when I need it? How can I handle daily panic attacks and crippling depressing that I’ll have to force myself to get through without my tool being there when I need to relapse?

I don’t know how I’ll be able to do it. I’ve thought about how to sneak a tool onto campus, although I know I shouldn’t.

What should I do?

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Scared…

Posted by Lgbtparent | July 6th, 2016

I’m am a mother of a 13yr old transgender child Aj (FtM) that has also been Si for almost 2 years and a slight eating disorder another year before that. I lost sole custody when they were 6 yrs old and their father got full custody and I have what’s considered secondary. I have been communicating and trying very hard to understand and support Aj. The first time I found out they had Si was through Facebook messanger, Aj begged me not to tell their dad, concerned i waited til they were asleep to tell their father in hopes that he would calm down and think things through before Aj awoke. The next day was even more traumatic than before I had no idea he would react how he did and just screamed at Aj and made them show him. He told Aj if it happens again you will put in a hospital for kids n u will be very miserable. It scared Aj so they were more careful of where to do Si and to not say anything. Things have gotten worse and I needed to be very close so I am living with them now. The recent need to transition and coming out at first stopped all Si for over six months til Ajs dad screamed at them and said you will never be a boy n this stops now. Aj then had the worst Si episode yet and Aj told me they want to die. Dad is still far beyond accepting and I am just lost on what to do. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Touch

Posted by blueray | July 4th, 2016

I am in counseling again (after some major life challenges forced me to readdress some issues), which has been very beneficial this go-around. I have a new therapist who is great and I feel that I can be honest in exploring how I feel. Lately I have the urge to SI, but I couldn’t really figure out the real reason why. Although I have been depressed and feeling emotions surrounding that including loneliness and isolation, it hasn’t been too incredibly intense to the point where I usually experience self-harm urges.
But after 15 plus years of SI I am starting to understand and explore the origin of the urges a bit more. In that exploration I am realizing how much I crave touch. The kind of caring touch a loving mother/caregiver might give. A pat, a loving rub, a hug. Something. After dealing with sexual abuse as a kid, touch was kind of off limits. I didn’t want to be touched, and I did not have any positive caring adults in my life to fill the need for “good touch” even if I wanted it. So its always been a constant need, but one I hardly acknowledged. Now, I realize the urge to SI sometimes comes from that need for touch. Because I don’t get it anywhere else, perhaps I SI to have some sort of touch in a way – maybe it is in the care that comes from taking care of an injury. Recently I was in the hospital (a routine, non mental health related issue) and it felt good in a way to be cared for – to have the nurses touch me, even if only to adjust a blood pressure cuff. I know touch can be gained elsewhere like a massage, but getting a professional massage is hard when I have to explain my body to a stranger. I feel ashamed of my scars.

I sometimes feel very untouchable – especially the mothering kind of touch. My body is covered in very visible scars. I long for someone to just touch my scars and tell me they don’t define me. While I understand therapists have clear roles and boundaries to maintain, I can’t help but want this one person I am talking to, telling my secrets and working through some tough subjects, to take on a little of that mothering role. While I am sure this issue is not uncommon in counseling, I realize, again, that boundaries are needed. But sometimes when the one person I am trusting to listen to my darkest thoughts can’t touch me, it makes me feel even that much more untouchable.

I guess I am struggling with this feeling, especially now that I am beginning to realize why this urge to SI pops up sometimes. I wish I had a caring mother figure in my life to hug me and see my scars, and let me know that I am worthy of caring touch despite what I have done and what has been done to me. I don’t know how else to get this need met right now and it is upsetting. I am working really hard to understand and truly stop SI, but this is one thing/area in the healing process that has caught me off guard recently. And I am not sure if I should bring it up in counseling as I only have 2 sessions left. I don’t know where to go from here with this issue.

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Feeling Pathetic and Missing a Lost Friend

Posted by Kohl | June 28th, 2016

Yesterday I found out that one of my friends who started using again successfully killed himself after years of trying and failing. Considering that I’ve tried to end my life, I really should feel worse about him dying, but I don’t, and I almost hate myself for it.

I wish that I felt bad for relapsing. I don’t. I feel guilty, but I still want to do it again. I miss hurting myself a lot. It’s pathetic. I feel pathetic.

I am pathetic.

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Posted by healing | June 9th, 2016

I feeling a lot more emotion these days and I don’t necessarily like it. It seemed like there was a patch were there was a lot of emotion pain but urges weren’t really on my radar– that was ok, I guess. I decided to write as I noticing judgement in myself over what the biggest trigger for me at the moment– it’s basically a really good thing– something I’m massively proud of– the idea that I could be in the process of buying an apartment would have been beyond my wildest dream even a handful of years ago. And the fact that it’s underway is very outward reflection of all the work I’ve done to stabilize my life from the inside out. But I just signed the mortgage loan papers and really want to care for a SI– more than I want SI– I want to do the nurturing part. It’s scary and intimidating to go through this process– there’s no certainty– even as what I’m reaching for would be this big stable thing in my life– to have my own apartment– there’s getting the mortgage, which could fall through (though that’s highly unlikely) and it was just a huge, stressful decision– next will be getting past the coop board, which is also likely to be fine, but might not be. I don’t *want* to be triggered by a great thing that’s happening in my life. I want to be happy. I am also relieved that I will be leaving my current neighborhood and going to live in different neighborhood, but it’s a really different neighborhood a good distance away and I have been in my current neighborhood for about 20 years– my entire adult life– I couldn’t afford to stay here if I wanted to and I do want a fresh place to be– a lot of bad thing happened here– but, also, my whole life has happened here and it is outrageously painful to think of leaving, even as I want to go– I can’t process that conflict. A really healthy high-functioning, growthful thing like buying an apartment, too– ……maybe my brain will forever go to SI when it is uncomfortable. I’m 40 years old. That’s where it goes. It made some sense to me to go there over really hard-time things where I was in bad shape and my environment was dangerous and lots of illegal things going on around me/to me. But that’s not the case now. I can take care of myself. I can hold a job. A job where I’m very well-respected, supervise a large staff in a fast paced and demanding field. The outside of me moves on and on and on. But the inside still has a really hard time. As a teenager I was really high achieving too, but a wreck until it all just fell apart and I hide in a marriage and went into hibernation. I guess I just keep working on it all……. I’m also going to have to figure out how to accept that pain of this move, but I don’t know what to do about the anxiety of the uncertainty…..

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I give up

Posted by Catt217 | May 23rd, 2016

I have been trying so hard lately to see the good in life that the bad things in life are only temporary but I’m about to give up because no matter how hard I try its never good enough sometimes I think it would be a lot better if I just disappeared and went to live in the middle of no where so that no one could find me and I would never get let down again I think the only reason I haven’t done that yet is I met someone we r only I’m the getting to know each other stage but he makes me smile and laugh and feel special and I haven’t felt that in so long I just don’t know what to do I don’t wanna get my hopes up because this guy seems to be perfect I just wanna know what the catch is

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Struggling with urges

Posted by butterfly1225 | May 19th, 2016

this is my first time on this website, and i’m not sure what to do…i’m struggling so bad with urges and i feel as though i have no one to talk to and that i’m alone. I’ve made it about 8-10 weeks without self harm but i don’t know if i can make it any longer…i’m afraid and scared.i want to stop but i don’t know how to deal with the things i feel any other way. :( I just feel so alone..

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Struggling to keep up the momentum…

Posted by lyd_n92 | May 17th, 2016

This is my first time returning to this site in years. I struggled with severe self injury 7 years ago, went through the S.A.F.E. Inpatient & Outpatient programs, and have done so well since then, only having a small relapse once/year  or so .

However, I have had a setback lately… I wouldn’t say there has been a trigger, or an emotionally damaging situation that has made my thoughts revert to self injury.. I’m on medication for depression, and I feel as if it’s not working as well as it should. I’ve been consumed with the urge, and have finally found myself incapable of saying “no.”

I’m so conflicted, because I know I shouldn’t do it, I know it’s not the correct way to handle my emotions, and I know I should want to stop for me. Sometimes it just gets so hard to continue to be strong day in and day out, and consistently tell myself no. I have thoughts about it not every day, but at least two-three times a week. I have been so good at saying “no” but lately it’s just been so much harder..

I’m going to see a therapist again…I stopped going because I was doing really well. It’s discouraging to know that I can’t just keep the good momentum going on my own. It’s exhausting to think about being plagued by this need for the rest of my life. I know I will continue to say no to the best of my ability, because I am strong, and I am worth it, and I know that.

Some days it’s just harder than others to believe myself when I say it… I’m a huge follower of TWLOHA, and I love their vision statement… “The vision is the possibility that we’re more loved than we’ll ever know. The vision is hope, and hope is real.” If only I can keep reminding myself of that every day.

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Living in between

Posted by goldenscribe | May 10th, 2016

So things have been really bad emotionally, yet somehow I haven’t self injured. Or taken up anything bad. And I feel like I somehow “should” because survivors of trauma and patients are “supposed” to do bad things to themselves. (There have definitely been times I wanted to self injure until I could not see straight.)

Sometimes I wonder if doing the self injury has any advantage—then I realize that numbing the pain is worse since when you feel it it is terrible.

I’m beginning to wonder if the repressed grief I have is finally starting to come forth. Somatic Experience is getting rid of some of it and has definitely helped me be triggered less.

Life isn’t easy right now. Thanks to my dad’s 30 years of smoking, even though he quit almost 18 years ago, he is now in the hospital with cancer and heart disease. This hospital stuff has taken over my entire life, despite doing my PhD.

I am still in regular therapy. I’m beginning to realize the patterns I have which is assume people know things, shut them off when they don’t, tell them to leave me alone or act so horrible they do anyway, and …… well, it used to be SI. Now it’s I have to sit there and FEEL it. And it sucks. And I don’t know how to go about life with zero expectations from others.

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struggling with urges

Posted by help127 | May 3rd, 2016

I have not self harmed for 7 months now.  THis is the longest length of itme I have gone without harming.  I thought as time went on that it would get easier and easier.  However, I have found that to be false.  The longer it has been since I harmed, the harder it is to not do it.  This seems backwards to me.  I don’t understand why it is so hard now.  Did anyone out there find this to be true for them?  If so, how did you make it through?  I don’t want my stretch to end, but I am feeling that it is going to.  The urges are getting so very hard to ride out and not act on.  I feel very alone and scared I am going to mess up again.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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