So my many weeks of battling off thoughts of SI are over. I acted out on the urge tonight after a bad day and just having enough of everything. I’m tired of being depressed. I’m tired of feeling alone. So, I injured. I don’t think it helps that I planned out the whole thing. By mid-morning, I knew I was going to injure myself tonight. I knew I couldn’t go one more day without it. I actually thought, as the time approached, that maybe I could hold out and not injure after all. But then I got all stressed out about some possible money problem that I was not expecting, so I was just done. Normally, I would have been able to handle that okay, but not tonight. Not the way everything in my life has been going lately. I had a bad experience several months ago that seems to have caused much of my life to make a lot more sense. Why I’ve always been so anxious all of the time. I always wondered why I became so anxious at age twelve. I could never figure it out. My family is full of anxious people, so nobody thought that this was a huge problem for me. However, I recently remembered a traumatic event that happened to me when I was twelve, and after this event, my anxiety spiraled out of control. My parents paid no attention to my anxieties, but instead, my mom spoke to me in this annoyed tone on a number of occasions, and my dad laughed once, as if to them, I was overreacting. So, I began to do whatever I could to protect myself. I repressed the event itself, never understanding why I was so afraid of people looking in at me through uncovered windows. Then, I remembered the event itself here recently while visiting my parents and now everything makes sense to me. Why I’ve always been so afraid of people seeing me through uncovered windows and why my anxiety got so bad after that. It’s not even the peeping tom experience itself that bothers me so much. The situation itself was handled properly, which I am grateful for. It’s the fact that nobody listened to what I was needing from them in order to feel safe after the event itself that I am dealing with now. Remembering this has reminded me just how terrible I must have been to deserve not being heard, and that I was nothing but a bother. So, now that I’ve been reminded of those things, it’s no wonder that I have struggled so much with self-hatred and the fear of bothering others even more so than normal, and why my SI triggers have been so bad.
((totally off topic! ))
