ShareThiswhy do i feel so alone right now. im talking to a friend, how can i possibly be lonely. i dont want to be here. i dont feel like i belong here and i dont. i know i am not supposed to be here wasteing away staying still and not knowing who i am. in a way i know who i am. i am someone who loves her friends and brother more then anything on this earth. they are more family to me then anyone else can ever be because they choose to love me not obligted to. they mean the world to me and i love being able to know them and just be with them if thats all i can do. i feel distant and disconnected with everybody and everything. maybe like dust or something always unsettled not sticking.the SIing makes me feel real and connected gives me something i can control and have for my own. but always i find that soon even that slips away. everything is just fadeing away. everything i once knew and everything i depended on is fadeing slowely in front of me and i feel like the only one who can see it happening. and there again i feel alone watching the pages turn and the book close.
alone
Posted by theonetheythoughttheyknew July 29th, 2010I Always say I have great friends. I always say how great they are. But why am I so alone when I need someone the most? I have to talk to a stranger to get a load off my chest? I could try to talk to them. To tell them I’m sad that I need help, that I’ve injured every single night this week. But then I’m scared. What if they think I’m asking for attention? I’m not, I’m really not. I just need someone whose willing to sit down and listen. They all know I’ve injured in the past. But it seems like when I need them no ones there for me. But if they need me I’m there no matter what. I don’t understand it. I just want someone to look me in the eye after I tell them what’s bothering me and they tell me everything will be ok, that’s all I really want. I don’t want their time everyday. I don’t want them to monitor my every move when I was to inuure. But I want someone to show they care like I care. I want someone to be there for five mins. To give me a hug and let me cry on their shoulder. Maybe I’m asking too much. But I do all this for them, yet when I need it most, I have no one.
I don’t know what to do . . .
Posted by soolost July 28th, 2010I reallyy don’t know what to do at this point, I mean I stopped injuring for like the longest time ever. I was going to a psychologist then my doctor put me on meds && I just pretended that everything was fine when I was really dying inside. I’ve tried talking to people I trust to help me but they just seem at a more loss for words so I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s been about 4 months since my last episode && I have a feeling that tonight it will start back again. It just seems as if everything was so much easier when I was injuring. I felt secure && felt some type of peace amidst this insane world. I’ve stopped taken my medication && my psychologist just had a baby but she wasn’t helping me THAT much anymore. She was just a waste of $50 every two weeks. Secondlyy, my parents are just soooo UGH. They insist on sitting me down and talking to me but they always yell and call me crazy && I just can’t talk to them about this stuff and I guess it’s because I simply don’t trust them to be honest. [sigh] I just don’t know what to do . . . . .
Posted by Nick July 28th, 2010
Its been a very hard week for me. I had gone almost two months without SI. But i couldnt control my self and i SI. The reason for this was because of a girl. Yes a very studpid reason but it was the cause. She used to struggle with SI like myself but she stopped. When i told her i SI she started to help me. While she was helping me though i developed feelings for her. After i told her that i had feelings for her, she responded in a way that made me feel like i wasnt good enough or that i failed, failure and feelings of worthlessness are triggers of mine, so i gave into my urges. Now im trying to move on and get better again.
I dont know what to do!!!
Posted by LilleyHurts July 28th, 2010I dont know what to do anymore, I am injuring more, But Im soo afraid to tell my mom! Im scared oout of my mind that she will find out and bee sooo upset and hurt and i dont want to hurt her ever! I love her muchly! I injure. so yeah 
I dont know anymore sadnens me very much I get stressed or too upset and i injure. ( I started in april or 2010 , please help mE! i am not in therapy either, my mom still hasnt called the agency to put me in there I have emotional promblems too HELP! PLEASE????????????????????
28 Days
Posted by Denise July 27th, 2010This Friday I see my psychiatrist for the first time since her coming back from vacation. I really don’t want to go back because I really don’t think she would comprehend or understand the impact this month has on me. This month was by far the hardest month of my life in so many way that I feel she would totally laugh at me to my face instead of behind my back like I already think she does. It was too hard to handle I had to find ways of getting rid of this deep anger I was feeling toward her and other things. After 1 month I just couldn’t take the pressure of everything that was going on so I went a little bit manic and with every bit of anger inside of me I self-destructed. I know what she will think and everyone else will think of me after this blog that there is no hope for me what’s so ever. my life for 28 days was like being on a locomotive that was going full tilt without ever ending. I also realize that going back means trying to put all that happened into 1 session and then having to leave until the next time. I don’t know whether I should call her, but then again for 28 days I was on my own again, alone again to fail in every way possible. I never even made it to therapy today because I finally realize that my therapist could not fathom how hard it’s been for me this month and how I feel that she will judge me for doing what I felt I needed to do to get through it all.
feeling awful and confused
Posted by -daelyn- July 27th, 2010I feel so awful, both the people that are the closest things I have to friends are depressed. I think it’s because of me, because I always have gone to them when I was depressed and feeling like SI. And now they’re both talking about SI and ending their lives. I’m so scared for them, I don’t want to loose them but it seems I am hurting them with my pain. I don’t know how to help them or convince them not to because I’m a hypocrite for arguing with them about SI. I just want them to be better … and then me get better. I just know I can’t get better if they’re depressed. I guess I’m just really looking for help for them and for me.
confused
Posted by theonetheythoughttheyknew July 27th, 2010I wish I knew why I felt like this. I feel like trash. I feel like dirt. I feel worthless, helpless, hopeless. I don’t even know where to begin or why these feelings have started. I’ve done nothing out of the ordinary. My friends are great. My family has its problems but whose doesn’t? I’ve started to si again. But nothing has happened to make me do this! Nothing tramatic. Nothing. But I still inure. I woke up this morning wanting to injure right away. I was driving and I wanted to si. I came to work and I wanted to si. I’m sitting her wanting to si. But WHY!?!?! I don’t understand why I want to. I’m so frustrated. I was panicking this morning as I was driving but there was nothing for me to panic about. Am I officially going crazy? Am I even worth all this stress I give myself? I’ve never thought of suicide and it scares me that I can think so calmly of it lately. I shouldn’t even think this way but the thoughts just swarm in and I can’t control it. I si to maken the thoughts go away.
I don’t even feel myself si anymore. That scares me more than anything.
I’m sorry I’m all over the place but I can’t talk to anyone else like this.
cheated.
Posted by caughtinpurgatory July 27th, 2010I flash back to that day more often than I let on or would like to.
Standing in my kitchen that night. You said you cheated, but sometimes you messed around like that and I never could believe you would cheat. I just didnt think it possible, you werent like that a bit. And it was that thought of mine that drove you to do it.
We were 10 days shy of a year. I had my back to my pantry door. You got up and walked to the fridge and said you cheated. I didnt believe you. Then you said you swore on your grandmothers grave and you were serious. When you mentioned her, I unfortunatly knew you wernt joking.
I sat down at the kitchen table and I cried. Then we went upstairs, where I cried some more. Then you left. I spent the night screaming/crying. You broke my heart.
That crying process has still happened to this day. Every day I think about the heartache and pain you caused.
Im still your girlfriend, ive forgiven you, because I love you and cant live without you./
And its killing me.
I cant escape what you did. Its all around.
I remeber the day perfectly. I tried making the best for you.
I recall details. How you climbed the fence and snuck into her room just to be with her. Her room that is in the house right behind yours.
I remeber everything she told me about what happened when you left it as a simple she kissed you when the fact that you kissed was the only part of what you told me was the truth.
I have scars on my heart from when I knew what all you had done and you swore on everything it was just one kiss and that she kissed you.
I have hate for you that still resides somewhere in me from when you had the half naked picture of my neighbor on your phone and from when I read the messages to your apparent new girlfriend you got not even a week after we broke up. Not even 24 hours from swearing you would get me back, that you would prove yourself to me.
My heart aches so badly still with pain.
I have tear stains on my skin from where I cry every night since I cant get the day out of my head.
The images of you two out of my head.
What you said to her, and said to the other girls, out of my head. Or my heart.
I kiss you. I love what I feel, I love the love that comes from them. I hate knowing theyve touched hers.
You say you love me. I love believing you love me and us. I hate knowing that you doubted it and were thinking of leaving it.
I touch you face when we kiss. Out of habit, and because I feel close. I hate knowing you did it to her.
I remember when you told me the things you said to her. I loved that it was something you always did. I hate that you did that.
You ask me for a kiss. I love that you want to kiss me. I hate knowing you asked her the same question.
You went out pretty much every night or had a friend stay over.
I stayed alone and home. I was devastated and heartbroken. I couldnt do anything but hurt.
You seemed and seem to have been just fine and unaffected.
I have been in a desperate state of pain since you told me.
I love you. I always have. I pray that you dont doubt your love for me again.
I pray I get better so that you wont need to go anywhere else.
I blame you, I blame me.
I don’t wanna do this anymore!
Posted by emo2010 July 27th, 2010Okay… I haven’t written on here in forever. I have SI’ed again and I really don’t know if I wanna stop anymore. I’m scared that my mom and I are gonna loose our house… we have to pay $1,000.00 a month and that’s not a lot unless you don’t have money. I’ve been looking for a job since I graduate Thursday, May 27, 2010. I applied at about 25 places and the only people that called me was Avon and I’ll be an Avon Lady… I really don’t care I just wish more people would’ve called me. All that is why I SI’ed… it just makes me feel so worthless that I can’t help my mom pay anything.