Blog

This is a "trigger-free" site. Please do not use language containing graphic descriptions of Self Injurious behaviors. Words such as self injury, self harm, and the initials S.I. will be approved. Be mindful of swear words which are inappropriate and offensive to minors and others. This site is monitored and anyone found to continually violate these conditions will be removed from this entire blog site. Please follow S.A.F.E. A LTERNATIVES' philosophy and help us maintain a "trigger-free" blog. Thank you.

If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

Any Ideas?

Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | April 19th, 2014

So lately I have been dealing with a lot of anger, which is a huge trigger for me. I feel all of this built-up tension and don’t know what to do with it without resorting to self-harm. Does anyone have any ideas?

No Comments »

Pressure building

Posted by Chickenbeetle | April 18th, 2014

Hi.
I used to do self harm from age 12 to 21. I managed to quit on my own, finding peace within myself through Mindfulness. I’ve been doing well, although there have been episodes where I’ve felt like I couldn’t see any other outlet for my emotions than through self harm. I managed to convince myself that the shame from myself afterwards would not be any solution at all, and would only make me feel worse. I’ve been free of self harm for 6 and a half year, but seem to find myself struggling to find ways to convince myself it won’t make it feel better. I have no one to talk to about this, and the pain I’m going through is getting too much to bare, I still can’t find any alternative to make the pain go away, as I find it harder and harder to cope. Is there an alternative? Is there something that can make it feel like the pain just slips away, if only for a moment?

I usually make these thoughts go away by writing down everything I’m feeling, using this as an outlet, then tearing the letter apart, or going for a long walk.

Does anyone have any suggestions which have helped them? I really don’t want to do this to myself again, I just want to feel better again.

No Comments »

Gratefullness

Posted by smudge1 | April 18th, 2014

Thank you for this board!¬†There are so few places where ppl who SI can¬†express themselves and be accepted.¬† It is incredible.¬† Even if no one comments or replies, it’s therapeutic to put it out there.¬† That’s a duh, I know.¬† But I wanted to say it anyway.

As for my SI, I am still struggling and I have to be in Az in a week and I have fresh spots and I can’t seem to let my old¬†ones heal.¬† What am I going to do?!.¬† I am going to be expected to wear shorts, short sleeves and even a bathing suit.¬† I will be with family which is almost worse because they expect me to be open about these things.¬† If I were with strangers I could beg off especially on the swimsuit.¬† Panic is rising.¬† What am I going to do?¬† The SI is worse than it has in a long time.¬† In the past I have been able to contain it somewhat except in the winter when clothes can cover up anything.¬† I know this doesn’t make sense but I am getting really scared.¬† There isn’t enough time to let myself heal.¬† Maybe I will “forget” my swimsuit.¬† I¬†have also gained a lot of weight over the past year.¬† Really makes the swimsuit traumatic.

I have talked about it (SI)¬†some with my PsyD but¬†not lately.¬†¬†I dont’ want her to be disappointed in me.¬† Hate that.¬† And it’s still humiliating to talk about even with someone who is trained.¬† You can’t tell me she is not creeped out.¬† I am.¬† In the past when the topic has come up, I’ve mentioned this but she says she is not icked out.¬† How can she not¬†be?¬† I’m so ashamed.

It’s¬†late and I need to go.¬† One final thank you

No Comments »

hello there.

Posted by _pearls | April 17th, 2014

hi guys.. I’m new to this, I found it because of TWLOHA. I used to self harm for a while and I think I’m finally stopping.. well, I just wanted to say that if anyone ever needs to talk, I’m a new friend here and I’ll hear you out whenever. :)

1 Comment »

Needy

Posted by smudge1 | April 17th, 2014

I seem to be rather needy; posting far more than others. ¬†there is so much inside that I don’t know where to begin. Heck I’m not sure what I’ve told y’all. What I do know is that I can’t seem to stop. Normally I can slow down enough so it’s not obvious when it comes time for spring and summer clothes. But not this year. Maybe posting about it will help. I’ve tried journaling but it seems to only be a delay. SI is just inevitable. Once the thought is there, it’s just a matter of time. I hate that. Why can’t writing about it, or knitting or whatever prevent it. But the thoughts don’t go away. Until u do it. Then there is only regret and shame. And u think I’d get tired of livin in shame but evidently I don’t cause I just keep on doing it. I am soooo frustrated. And scared that I will be found out that I’m posting here and the things I’m saying. ¬†My parents and family would freak if they knew.

1 Comment »

Allie ******

Posted by smudge1 | April 16th, 2014

Sorry to start a new post….I haven’t figured out how to answer a post.¬† No apologies necessary.¬† It’s weird but I am a little jealous of your relationship with your parents.¬† We never talk about anything let alone feelings.

At any rate, I¬†have such mixed emotions.¬†¬†A part of me wants to tell you to not¬†be embarrassed to talk to them because they obviously care¬†even if they don’t understand.¬† Another part of me totally understands the feeling of embarrassment.¬†¬†The only person I have talked with about my SI is my therapist.¬† And even though he is trained to deal with these things, I am sooooo embarrassed.¬† I hope¬†you have¬†a trusted person to talk with – professional or personal.

I am glad to have found this website…….I don’t feel so alone.

As for the parents freakin out…..some of it’s their “job”.¬† It’s a difficult thing to understand.¬† I don’t begin to understand and I’ve SIed for years.¬† Started when I was young but then I didn’t have an open relationship with my parents nor did I have professional help.¬† Don’t get me wrong…..my “professional help” is a wonder person and I don’t mean to sell her short.¬† I wouldn’t be alive without her!!!!¬† I¬†KNOW¬†this with all my heart.¬† I hope we can get to know each other and maybe even learn¬†a little:)

No Comments »

How do I hide my scars

Posted by allie12323 | April 16th, 2014

I’m so scared for summer to come, how can I cover them up or get rid of scars? they are all over me and I don’t want my parents to see them either :/

3 Comments »

right now….

Posted by smudge1 | April 14th, 2014

I want to SI soooo badly.  Is anyone out there????  I am screaming into the wilderness.  I feel so alone.

2 Comments »

Forever

Posted by smudge1 | April 13th, 2014

ive been SIing forever. It must be a hundred years by now. I have had SI-free periods but I am really struggling lately. ¬† It makes me wonder if I will ever be free. SI changes everything.¬† It makes me wonder where I’d be now.¬† Maybe with a spouse and kids.¬† Then again, I’d hate to pass on my genes to some innocent person so maybe having kids would not have been the best idea.¬† I’ll leave that one up to fate.¬† I have someone special in my life but we cannot be together as he is married.¬† If I were able to be with him, I wonder if I’d have the strength not to SI.¬† I would trade every moment of SI to be with him.¬† Unfortunately the SI is all I will have.

No Comments »

Posted by healing | April 13th, 2014

My 12 step sponsor just broke up with me. It freaks me out but I’m also relieved. Though feel nervous about talking to her. She left me a voicemail then I left one for her. What I am doing with the anxiety coming here and writing it down. I am really doing better and better all the time, with some troubles and recoveries and that happen on a faster time line than they used to. 12 step was so helpful to me at a time, but now I experience it mostly as stress- pressure. If I invert it on myself I will tell myself that it’s my fault that experience it as pressure. But that is adding pressure to pressure. I see more and more that the way out of knots is to relax, not to tighten more and ram through. I suppose 12 step was even good at helping me understand that, though I have not “arrived”…. I am experiencing pressure- and my experience counts. I don’t know that I really have much experience with relationships ending- at least not ending without dramatic happenings. So this will be different. And I am scared. I tried to tell my sponsor that, in DBT terms, working program was coming up as a should, not a want. And I have a million shoulds and need to tone them down. I suppose that’s its own little language and way of looking at things– but, to me, the DBT stuff is the instructions on how to *be* and my relationship with my therapist is very much primary in getting healthy, recovering. She wrote back to me that there are no shoulds in Al-Anon and that it was about whether I wanted what program had to offer, and if I wanted it I’d do the work to get it. It felt invalidating of my experience and she was hung up on her way of looking at things. Here- with two programs colliding I feel like I have no self but dbt/therapy is what I cling myself to. I don’t like the feeling of disappearing, but I do like that I feel safe with a program of self-care instead of clinging to a person who is bad for me and having no self there.

There are parts of my life that are still just so sensitive. And I have new experiences of managing all the time. Last week I made a mistake at work- I’m really not fire-able- but I was expecting my boss to be very angry. Shockingly, he wasn’t – at all. But when I went in early to try and fix things I made a trip to get supplies and was so full of feeling like I should be punished. Then walking down isles where I could buy tools. I didn’t do the behavior- but I thought about, instead, what I could buy myself that would be really nice to me instead. It was interesting. Calmed me down. And confused me. I’m confused about punishment. I guess that is the way of trying to resolve tension with more tension. But that’s the basic of how children are taught, how the whole society works. I don’t really understand though why it doesn’t seem to work too well on myself. I don’t know that it works well anywhere. And it makes zero sense that I would do something bad then reward myself. I don’t get it. ….And then too I could see a bit more of what happened that led to the mistake. I got way out of it in therapy the day before and was too un-relaxed and rebellious at the same time and doing something I knew I shouldn’t and feeling race-y and exhilarated by it and I screwed something up. Not quite a mystery. Where that rebellion needs to go is to insisting I have a self and I matter to my mother. I need to stick up for myself. It’s really, really hard. All week I’ve been sort of avoiding it and planned on working on an email today. (How not to experience the need as pressure…) I’ve been really nice to myself today. I got my first ever massage, which was scary and brave and feels like a new thing is open to me now. I bought myself some spring clothes, which I could totally afford. I bought more dental floss and mouthwash- dumb stuff like that- I’ve been out for a couple weeks and somehow freeze up on tiny self care things like- buy more. All of this to be nice to me and help me relax and work on the email- which will probably be all of four sentences long. Then the thing with my (ex)sponsor. I still haven’t writing anything to my mom. Maybe I’ll do it at the laundry mat. I was supposed to work on it with my therapist but it will be easier on my own- at least a draft on my own. And I need to tell my therapist something – I need to tell him- no exploring feelings around this incident- just focus on behavior. I can get through it like that and once it gets any broader I’m just lost and non-verbal. But I don’t even know how to tell him that. I’m confused all about protecting myself. My mom wrote my son a letter about someone who molested me, basically encouraging a relationship between them. When I write it out that seems pretty bad. I feel totally defensive of her. Totally denigrating of myself. I do really believe (I think) that I don’t have the right to interfere in other people’s relationships. Once I actually got the letter (I knew it was coming in advance) I actually felt better. I told my therapist- see! I’m not making it up. He said, who said you were making anything up. I guess I don’t know. He said that his message has been the opposite- that I am minimizing. I missed that message. I can’t wrap my head around anything. I feel like I led my mom on that I was going to let this person into my life. I did that by not standing up for myself more any of the past times she’s tried to get me to “make up” with him. He pov seems so totally reasonable to me. But my therapist says that that’s emotion mind when I see things her way and it’s emotion mind because there isn’t any logic there. ….Anyway – I don’t want to talk to my sponsor about any of this and 12 step is just wrong when people repeat the stuff over and over that you don’t get better if you don’t work the program. Wrong about not making meetings causing backslides. Backslides are generally caused by some not-fair instance in my life. I get closer to having just normal people problems. I loved, kind of, being stressed about a mistake at work because it’s just so banal and wonderfully simple of a thing to worry about. The only real problem is the urges toward self harm that happen in response to it- and those too I learn from, get better with. …. I think I can tell my mother that I am surprised by her letter. I feel like I should be angry, but I’m not. All of that is just directed toward me. But surprise is something I can work with…….

No Comments »