this is my first time blogging…i guess…but ive started SIing in 7th grade im in 8th grade now….and im in control of nothing. I guess im supposed to be the perfect kid..im president of student council in honors in every subject the athlete the popular the lead in the musical..but i dont have control over that, and im just never good enough for any of the i dont know what to do to make myself better. i am what they want me to be. i feel that when i SI i have control over that its the one thing that i have total control over. but i know its bad..i think ive lost control over that too..all i want to do it cry and SI. i looked for support from my friends by showing one of my SI just to see if they cared…they didnt…so i just kept doing it. I even tried to make my feelings really prominent in front of teachers to see if they would ask so i could talk to someone..anyone..but all i got from that was “im very disappointed in you” i dont even know what i do to be disappointed in anymore…i dont know anything…i dont control anything..and i just needed to talk to someone….i tried i did..to stop. but i couldnt. i dont control anything anymore. and i need this small bit of control so i dont go crazy…anyone out there know what im talking about?
help
Posted by gillagena March 18th, 2010i just got out of the pshc hospital and i just found out that my grandmama is dieing if she does i am going to do something to hurt myself so i need all the support that i can get so i wont do any thing to myself if u care my number is 6462339469 if u wish u can call me
More info on “We need to be heard”
Posted by mossroli9 March 18th, 2010Hello again! I wanted to follow up on my last post about asking for stories and poems. My name is Heather Borst, I am 29 years old and I live in Portland, Me. with my partner and 2 dogs Moss and Roli which is where my user name comes from! I work as a therapist at a non profit called Connections for Kids in Westbrook, Me. I plan on opening a private practice this summer to work with people who self-injure as there are no people in Maine who work with those of us who have self-injurered or are currently injuring.
With the stories and poems I receive if the author agrees to allow them to be published I will be coming up with a document for the author to sign stating that the stories will be published anonymous to protect peoples privacy. I am thinking a book like Ophelia Speaks but I also offer other suggestions! Thank you!
My secret, not yours.
Posted by Staystrong March 18th, 2010Yesterday, my friend told me another piece of news that made everything that much harder. I know that she needed to tell me, and I’m glad that she did. But it just hurts so badly.
My ex-best friend (to make it easier I’ll call her girl B), the recent one who just did something horrible to me, told my other ex-best friend (girl A) what she did. Is she proud or something? It is not her right to be telling people, because it is my secret, not hers. She wasn’t the one who went through the pain. And the worst part, the part that kept me awake last night as I cried so hard in the dark was the fact that girl A, the one who was best friends with me, never girl B, took girl B’s side. It just makes me sick. She defended the person who hurt me the most in the entire world.
And now I have to face. them. both. I have to pretend like nothing’s wrong. I have to pretend like I don’t hate them with every fibre in my aching body. I wish that they could comprehend this pain, what I’ve had to put up with every single day at school, what I’ve gone through. But they can’t. I wish that I could scream at them that they’re horrible people for breaking my heart and then smashing it a second time, I wish I could show them how we promised that we would always be there for each other. But I can’t.
I can only watch as their friends talk to them, laugh with them, completely oblivious to what they’d done. What she did to me.
I can only stand here, motionless, the tears not coming because I’ve cried so much, so hard, that I’m pretty sure I’ve run out of
Tears.
I can only push this secret, I wonder if it’s even my secret anymore, to the back of my mind and let the dust settle. Maybe, late at night, I will cry over it. I will always feel the weight of its pain unless I’m numb, a state I’ve become accustomed to. Maybe, sometimes, I will let my mask crack slightly. But I will never be whole again. No one will ever fully understand how much this hidden burden
Hurts.
I hate them both.
Staystrong.
Alone
Posted by blueray March 18th, 2010Well, I posted a bit back and said I was moving and starting a new job, etc. Well, I just got to my new place/state and I feel so utterly alone. I just got here and sobbed. I am an adult and this is what adults do – get promoted, move on to better their careers and hopefully life. Why am I so very scared? There is so much I have to do in order to get myself settled in a new place and get ready for my new job, but I can’t bring myself to hardly function. I just sit on my floor (because my furniture hasn’t got here yet) and feel so depressed and alone. I know no one and all my friends and family seem so far away. I am not sure if I can do this. I keep telling myself that this feeling is only temporary. Once I start my new job and meet people and get all my stuff things will start to look up. But I am afraid I can not make it until then.
I have been doing so well with the SI, but now that things have been unsettled in my life and all this new stuff is being thrown at me, and I am alone in this, I feel like I need some source of comfort. The one thing that I want to revert to is the one thing I know I shouldn’t. It just hurts so bad to be this alone, scared, and not confident in myself. I feel that if I were just able to SI I might feel a bit better – even though I know it would only be temporary too.
I just am not sure what to do. I feel stuck in a strange place all by myself and it is not a good feeling at all.
We need to be heard!
Posted by mossroli9 March 18th, 2010I would like to start by saying that I am a recovering injurer. I did not start injuring until I was 25 and from what I have read that is late to start. I still do not know why I started and I have accepted the fact that I may never know. I am a therapist who works with people who suffer from mental illness, substance abuse issues etc. I have found that most of my social work/therapist co-workers know little if anything about self injury either because they were never educated about it or are afraid of those of us who live with it. When I was in graduate school self injury was the one issue we were never taught about. I found this to be hurtful and horrible that they did not want to teach people who would be working with us how to work with us. Because of this I am trying to gather stories to put a book together to tell our stories. It will be anonymous and names do not need to be shared. Your stories can be sent to buddhayoga@yahoo.com Any and all stories will be appreciated. Thank you!
can i tell you a story???
Posted by savemefromme March 18th, 2010i hope so cause i’m going to… first lets go?to nov. of 08, i met this guy-of course the story has to have a boy- i really feel for him! then he started hanging out with my best friend, next thing i know they are a couple-major ouch- thats when i started s.i.ing. in jan. they ‘broke up’ he never asked her out so it wasnt really a break up- he was really upset and since i had decided to just forget about there ever being an us i was his shoulder to cry on… eventually he and i started not exactly dating, on easter he kissed-my first kiss- i was so convinced that if i let him kiss me he would finally date me, next thing i know its july and still no dating but lots more kissing-yes niw i realise he was using me- so i break up with him, a week later he’s back with my bestfriend-the day we left for church camp i found out. so what do i do? injure. they break upand he’s back to knocking on my door-and i let him back in. he decided he was gonna go further this time thou. i ditched him and stopped injuring in oct. but now i find myself wondering–what if… and i want to know so bad. i’m so dumb. i need to get over him but i dont know how.
Scary Secrets
Posted by Cookie Crumbs March 17th, 2010Peace has fallen over me
I am finally free
With open eyes I now see
What this thing has done to me
I’m so sick of injury
But it will never leave
Days I will be sober
I finally think it’s over
A new path I have chosen
My injuries shall stay uncovered
Now looking for new lover
But thoughts of it still hover
Travel to the back of my mind
Where all my scary thoughts reside
I scream aloud when I’m back there
Can’t run away and I can’t hide
These thoughts are the story of my life
With all the pain and all the strife
A lot of late nights yet still I cried
I kept these fears a secret inside
I’ve yet to even speak
Afraid that fear will leak
Into the ears of unwanted listeners
Who will busy themselves as they are gossipers
I’ll be taken away
To a land unknown
I’ll be lead astray
From all I know
Regretfully I will stay quiet
So that my secrets of the back of my mind are NEVER NEVER found
Chit Chat
Posted by PuppiesMakeMeSmile March 17th, 2010Sometimes, I get in a weird mood and I really want to talk about things but I don’t know what to say or who to say it to. I feel like I don’t want to freak anyone out because I’m ok right now. So there is no reason for concern. I just want to talk about the things that are swirling around inside so I make sure that I stay ok. Does anyone else experience this? And what do you do?
Blogging helps sometimes. But I really want to have a conversation where someone responds and understands. I don’t know anyone who can understand.
I have failed
Posted by Iwant2stop March 17th, 2010last night I injured myself. It seemed like the right thing to do in the moment but now I’m so ashamed and upset with myself. I’ve talked to my teacher. Well not really I mean she was so busy at that moment that we really didn’t talk about it. She really wants me to talk to my mom about it but I don’t feel like I’m ready. People think I’m like crazy or something and I almost want to Sled again. Every time I walk in a hallway there are these group of boys that make fun of me and it really hurts. And the teachers at my school are talking about me behind my back because they think I injure myself. And I do, but I don’t see what you can accomplish when you don’t just ask the kid if they hurt themselves. And I know they do because they care about me but I just really need someone who isn’t really busy and is just willing to sit down with me and be the shoulder I need to cry on and just talk with me!