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If you have thoughts of suicide call: 911, 800 - SUICIDE (784-2433), or go to the nearest emergency room.

2 days and counting…

Posted by smudge1 | April 23rd, 2014

until I have to wear shorts and short sleeves.¬† Family gathering. ¬†I’m a wreck!!!¬† What am I going to do!¬† I can’t seem to leave stop.¬†¬†The countdown to the gathering is so loud in my head.¬† Tick.¬† Tick.¬† Tick.

I see my¬†therapist and I am going to cover them up.¬† It is so shameful to be going to see him when I’m in such shape.¬†¬†I think he would be disappointed in me.¬† I know it.

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Posted by blueray | April 23rd, 2014

I am trying very hard not to feel bad about myself and want to punish myself. The school year is almost done and it is time to seriously start looking for a ‘real’ job. I had an interview the other day for a job that I really want and that I have been working toward for a very long time. The interview didn’t go as well as I thought and I went immediately to negative self-talk and just mentally being hard on myself. In times like that it is hard not to want to take further punishment on myself and SI. I messed up and feel I need to correct that something how through self punishment. I am just feeling desperate and anxious which is never a good combination for me.
My anxiety is so high again that my OCD like behaviors have gotten worse again. I have wasted so much gas and time driving back to places because I have to double check that I didn’t leave something on the desk, that I didn’t leave the stove on, and the list goes on and on. When I get really anxious it feels like I will almost make excuses to check things. I think to help have some control or help reduce the anxiety in some way I will think of things that need to be checked. It’s hard to explain. The whole thing is getting way beyond annoying. I also am trying to self-soothe in way that aren’t healthy. I shop and I eat. I don’t have the money to spend shopping and I certainly do not need to be eating more since my weight is already an issue.

I am feeling lost and slowly losing control with things. I try not to get down about the job. I pray about it and have faith that God will lead me to what will make me happy. But I can’t help but be desperate and anxious about it all. I wish I could just have more faith, patience and self-compassion.

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Any Ideas?

Posted by Tranquil Waterfall | April 19th, 2014

So lately I have been dealing with a lot of anger, which is a huge trigger for me. I feel all of this built-up tension and don’t know what to do with it without resorting to self-harm. Does anyone have any ideas?


Pressure building

Posted by Chickenbeetle | April 18th, 2014

I used to do self harm from age 12 to 21. I managed to quit on my own, finding peace within myself through Mindfulness. I’ve been doing well, although there have been episodes where I’ve felt like I couldn’t see any other outlet for my emotions than through self harm. I managed to convince myself that the shame from myself afterwards would not be any solution at all, and would only make me feel worse. I’ve been free of self harm for 6 and a half year, but seem to find myself struggling to find ways to convince myself it won’t make it feel better. I have no one to talk to about this, and the pain I’m going through is getting too much to bare, I still can’t find any alternative to make the pain go away, as I find it harder and harder to cope. Is there an alternative? Is there something that can make it feel like the pain just slips away, if only for a moment?

I usually make these thoughts go away by writing down everything I’m feeling, using this as an outlet, then tearing the letter apart, or going for a long walk.

Does anyone have any suggestions which have helped them? I really don’t want to do this to myself again, I just want to feel better again.

1 Comment »


Posted by smudge1 | April 18th, 2014

Thank you for this board!¬†There are so few places where ppl who SI can¬†express themselves and be accepted.¬† It is incredible.¬† Even if no one comments or replies, it’s therapeutic to put it out there.¬† That’s a duh, I know.¬† But I wanted to say it anyway.

As for my SI, I am still struggling and I have to be in Az in a week and I have fresh spots and I can’t seem to let my old¬†ones heal.¬† What am I going to do?!.¬† I am going to be expected to wear shorts, short sleeves and even a bathing suit.¬† I will be with family which is almost worse because they expect me to be open about these things.¬† If I were with strangers I could beg off especially on the swimsuit.¬† Panic is rising.¬† What am I going to do?¬† The SI is worse than it has in a long time.¬† In the past I have been able to contain it somewhat except in the winter when clothes can cover up anything.¬† I know this doesn’t make sense but I am getting really scared.¬† There isn’t enough time to let myself heal.¬† Maybe I will “forget” my swimsuit.¬† I¬†have also gained a lot of weight over the past year.¬† Really makes the swimsuit traumatic.

I have talked about it (SI)¬†some with my PsyD but¬†not lately.¬†¬†I dont’ want her to be disappointed in me.¬† Hate that.¬† And it’s still humiliating to talk about even with someone who is trained.¬† You can’t tell me she is not creeped out.¬† I am.¬† In the past when the topic has come up, I’ve mentioned this but she says she is not icked out.¬† How can she not¬†be?¬† I’m so ashamed.

It’s¬†late and I need to go.¬† One final thank you

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hello there.

Posted by _pearls | April 17th, 2014

hi guys.. I’m new to this, I found it because of TWLOHA. I used to self harm for a while and I think I’m finally stopping.. well, I just wanted to say that if anyone ever needs to talk, I’m a new friend here and I’ll hear you out whenever. :)



Posted by smudge1 | April 17th, 2014

I seem to be rather needy; posting far more than others. ¬†there is so much inside that I don’t know where to begin. Heck I’m not sure what I’ve told y’all. What I do know is that I can’t seem to stop. Normally I can slow down enough so it’s not obvious when it comes time for spring and summer clothes. But not this year. Maybe posting about it will help. I’ve tried journaling but it seems to only be a delay. SI is just inevitable. Once the thought is there, it’s just a matter of time. I hate that. Why can’t writing about it, or knitting or whatever prevent it. But the thoughts don’t go away. Until u do it. Then there is only regret and shame. And u think I’d get tired of livin in shame but evidently I don’t cause I just keep on doing it. I am soooo frustrated. And scared that I will be found out that I’m posting here and the things I’m saying. ¬†My parents and family would freak if they knew.

1 Comment »

Allie ******

Posted by smudge1 | April 16th, 2014

Sorry to start a new post….I haven’t figured out how to answer a post.¬† No apologies necessary.¬† It’s weird but I am a little jealous of your relationship with your parents.¬† We never talk about anything let alone feelings.

At any rate, I¬†have such mixed emotions.¬†¬†A part of me wants to tell you to not¬†be embarrassed to talk to them because they obviously care¬†even if they don’t understand.¬† Another part of me totally understands the feeling of embarrassment.¬†¬†The only person I have talked with about my SI is my therapist.¬† And even though he is trained to deal with these things, I am sooooo embarrassed.¬† I hope¬†you have¬†a trusted person to talk with – professional or personal.

I am glad to have found this website…….I don’t feel so alone.

As for the parents freakin out…..some of it’s their “job”.¬† It’s a difficult thing to understand.¬† I don’t begin to understand and I’ve SIed for years.¬† Started when I was young but then I didn’t have an open relationship with my parents nor did I have professional help.¬† Don’t get me wrong… “professional help” is a wonder person and I don’t mean to sell her short.¬† I wouldn’t be alive without her!!!!¬† I¬†KNOW¬†this with all my heart.¬† I hope we can get to know each other and maybe even learn¬†a little:)

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How do I hide my scars

Posted by allie12323 | April 16th, 2014

I’m so scared for summer to come, how can I cover them up or get rid of scars? they are all over me and I don’t want my parents to see them either :/


right now….

Posted by smudge1 | April 14th, 2014

I want to SI soooo badly.  Is anyone out there????  I am screaming into the wilderness.  I feel so alone.